Ron Standard Game Video Reviews and News

No More Heroes Review - Wii

2008-01-31T12:15:00.000-08:00

No more heroes is a game which is frankly more nuts than a peanut gorging elephant with swollen testicles.

So let’s look at the unique selling points of this game,

“You are Travis Touchdown, a normal guy (with an otaku geek streak) who wins a Beam Katana through an online auction and uses the weapon to start a new career as a professional killer.”

A truly believable story line, I was myself going to bid on the Beam Katana, but instead I went for a USB memory stick which is shaped like a humping dog - truly hilarious. Coincidentally, I was thinking about starting my career as a professional killer, but it didn’t have dental and also the contract stated something about death likelihood which worried me more than an incontinent guinea pig. Besides how can an “assassin” be a cool career when it has “ass” in it twice

The blurb goes onto say:

“One day, an assassin named Helter Skelter appears before Travis and the two face off in a battle. Travis emerges victorious and finds himself in the presence of Silvia Christel, a mysterious French woman who claims to be an agent with the UAA. Silvia gives Travis official rank of 11 in the organization. Now, it's up to you to become #1.”

Apparently there are only 11 assassins in the world…that’s a good thing, but seriously haven’t assassins got better things to do. Like doing proper assassinations rather than killing each other? What if someone needs an assassin only to find out that all the assassins have been assassinated by other assassins. - Ass count for that paragraph = 14

“No More Heroes takes place in the city of Santa Destroy, and you are free to explore the town to your liking, taking on missions large and small to collect money and purchase new weapons as you work up towards the 10 main killing contracts.”

Can you imagine trying to market a town called “Santa Destroy” as a vacation hot spot, I shouldn’t imagine the kids of Santa Destroy get many Christmas presents, the name sounds like a warning.

Anyway I would recommend this game, for (no) more details check out my video review.

Burnout Paradise Video Review - PS3 Xbox 360

2008-01-22T10:36:00.000-08:00

Burnout Paradise, the latest offering to the god of video game speed, great for all of you that don’t want your car smashed into a million pieces on the highway. Also there is that dying thing which doesn’t sit to well with most people, although this does take away from the realism.

The games description on amazon.com made this game sound really promising, with buzz words like “slam” and “takedown” that will make most hot blooded Burnout fans flip out install their dog with a nitrous oxide tank so they can take dog walking to the MAX and watch the gnarly dog on dog crashes as a Chihuahua slams into a Great Dane and explodes in a fiery ball of dog death.

The description did however include one slightly disturbing line:

“Although the Burnout series’ over the top mobile action has been its calling card since it ignited audiences on the PS2 in 2001...”

I don’t know about you but I personally prefer not to be on fire when playing the game, also I don’t remember ever being ignited while playing Burnout…but if you Burnout fans are crazy enough to pour gasoline over your head and set fire to your face then I wont stop you.

As the fifth instalment of the excellent burnout series no-one predicted that this game would be a shattering disappointment, a complete and utter waste of time and no better than a circular, rather uncomfortable piece of toilet paper to be thrown away like soiled rag. And they were right no to predict this because this game is the best game I ever played. Or is it? Find out in my video review, see what I did there, it was so subtle it was nearly subliminal. For more witty antics subscribe to my videos…. That wasn’t so subtle.

Ok so here is the video:

Link to the video.

Video of the Week PDC World Championship Darts 2008

2008-01-18T11:01:00.000-08:00

OK, so here is a game that combines having a grotesquely fat ass with drinking large amounts of alcohol. I just hope this game gets more interesting as your character gets off his face.

To make matters worse this game looks amazingly simple, you point the do-dad up and then wangle the thing in the right place.

Just to set things straight, I have nothing against real darts, but whoever decided to turn this into a game needs a dart board painted on his ass with a treble twenty up is ass hole.

This game does not have a customizable character option, which is a pity. I assume one of the options would be weight, starting with obese, and moving onto "oh-my-god he-is-fat-he-has-a-pigeon-living-inside-one-of-his-fat-rolls"

Again, I have nothing against real darts. If the Wii gestures were so brilliant that you could swear you were actually playing darts, then the game might actually be passable...

Which leads me onto the video. It opens with the title "Pure excitement, Pure Pressure, Pure darts." I can think of at least three things wrong with that statement.

I'm actually going to tell you NOT to watch this video, or at least not all of it. Firstly its boring, you will be bored of it within 10 seconds, secondly it goes on for 11 minuets. Seriously, you could do something better with your life, like going into your yard and counting how many blades of grass you have. You might as well hibernate like a bear for the next 11 minutes. That's not the worst thing either, there is a 17 minute version too...

Its so bad that I didn't want to insult you by posting the video on my blog.

Anyway here is the video, enjoy!

-Ron

The Crossing - Trailer

2008-01-17T06:30:00.000-08:00

Here is an a trailer for an interesting looking game: The Crossing.

The idea behind the game, as you will see from the trailer, is that its not single player, and its not multiplayer, but its a fusion of the two. Sort of like how a Mule is a fusion of a Donkey and a Horse, except without the disturbing Horse on Donkey action. Unfortunantley they have dubbed this mode "CrossPlayer" I personally would have gone for "Mingleplayer" but there we go.

The way this supposedly works, is that external players take the place of enemies in the single player mode. Is it just me who thinks if more than one player is involved it becomes multiplayer?

Of course not! Its Crossplayer!

To make things simple, the games story is about parallel universes, as you will hear from the narration in this trailer, "France is collapsing under the weight of its own government" - Presumably the politicians are really fat, just give them a salad or two and get them to walk about a bit, it will be fine.

The other timeline has the Knights Templar not only surviving past 1307, but they also go on to seize the French Crown, quite surprising they didn't go with the usual "What If World War II didn't end in 1945" - I'm looking at you Turning Point: Fall of Liberty.

Joking aside, it does look pretty interesting, and with the "art director from Half Life 2" on board how can it fail!

Anyway here is the trailer:

-Ron

Nitrobike Parody Video Review

2008-01-16T09:43:00.001-08:00

OK so here is Nitrobike, spiritual successor to Excitebike 64. It boasts being the first Motor cross game for the Wii. Not exactly something special, I mean Eledees was the first game about shooting little pixie things but they didn't boast about that.

It doesn't stop there, it goes on to boast:

- Six-Person Online Multiplayer: A first on the Wii. Challenge up to five of your friends and cover them with mud as you burn past them to the finish line.

- Rocket to Victory: Use the nitro rocket to propel your bike to speeds the Wii has only dreamed of seeing until now.

- Massive Replayability: On top of the killer online multi player, Nitrobike features 20 turbocharged racing environments and 67 kick-ass events.

- Be One With the Speed: Wii Remote™ rumble, blur effects, and screen shake will ensure this is the fastest experience you’ll encounter on the Wii.

- Rack ’em Up: Wreck your bike into a frame of king-sized pins in the four-player bowling game.

Sounds like they were running out of ideas when they got to the bowling game. Very realistic, I have been to lots of bowling alleys where someone has driven a turbo charged bike into the pins. You have to worry when they have to stick words like "kick-ass" and "turbocharged" into every sentence just to sound cutting edge.

In case you didn't notice, I was quite cynical about this game.

But anyway, here is the video review, Enjoy:

Link to Video

-Ron

The first post of the blog...

2008-01-14T12:08:00.001-08:00

So here is the first post of the blog, I wanted to make a huge impact with something exciting and interesting. I spent all day trying to think of the explosive brain words, however after some time I gave up and grilled some cheese.

Actually I do have a plan. I decided I should do something for the people who have not seen my Youtube videos, the people who have fallen into my blog like some kind of bear falling into a big hole.

Like a bear in a hole, your probably thrashing around, craving salmon, or perhaps information as to what I actually am (happens a lot actually). Well I’m not going to give you all the answers, instead I’m going to write about the people who surround me, the people you might come across in my videos.

Jon: Essentially my brother, I say essentially because he actually is my brother...Actually he never appears on camera so for all you know he could be the reincarnation of King Kong, still pissed off about the airplane thing.

Cat: Also known as "The Cat" or "Supreme Emperor of Destruction". You know the way that cats looks down on you, like you are inferior scum, this one looks down on you from some sort of gold plated fifty-foot podium of death. Seriously, I'm not joking he wants to take over the world. Sort of like Starbucks if they contained genetically engineered super cats.

Here is the image my cat uses when trying to influence you, be care full!

My cat often appears on camera via some computer virus, watch out for that. But that’s more of a side dish on my meaty plate of Ronchunks, my main thing is video game reviews so keep an eye out for updates. I sometimes do shots of Ron Standard, which were
ment to be shorter, but usually are not, they just happen to be
less video game related.

-Ron